Those holiday feelings....

"....I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus, underneath the mistletoe last night...."

5 year old: "Missile! What's a missile?"
9 year old: "Missile-toe!"
5 year old: "Oh missile-toe!.... What's a missile-toe?"
9 year old:  "Its something you kiss under."
5 year old: "EEEWWWW!"

~Wendy

Sounds of the season?

Man: "Is someone wassailling?"
Woman: "No, just a couple trombonists walking down the street."

Hmmm, a study is called for

Girl: "Is it true women who where really pointy shoes are mean? Do you know if it's true?"

Not for the squeamish....

Teenage boy: "They should have a snack called 'feces pieces.'"
Girl: "My dog would love that."

Wonder what'll be in style next season?

In a dining hall, on campus.
White girl to black girl: "Multi-racial babies are really in right now."

Not from around here? Just wait for winter

Overheard on campus.
Student: "This isn't even, like, New York. This is Canada."

Eat and/or be eaten

At the pet store.
Employee: "The rule of thumb is that if a fish can fit another fish into their mouth it pretty much will."

Flying fun

Woman: "Gee, with these new rules kids are going to play 'airport security' instead of doctor."

Changing colors

From our favorite former Ithacan:
Teacher: "Tomorrow is picture day. Be sure to look your best. Here is my class picture from when I was in first grade."
Smartest kid in class: "That's funny - you're white."
Me: "Of course I was white when I was 6 - I'm white now."
Smartest kid in class: "But now you're a teacher. Plenty of teachers are white. I didn't know kids could be white too."

Dressed for the occasion

Mom to daughter: "Take off your new white sweater if you are going to eat spaghetti sauce. As a matter of fact, if you are going to eat spaghetti sauce take off all of your clothes."

Family values

Woman: "No, we never split up, never got divorced. It was because neither of us wanted the kids. He didn't want them, I didn't want them, so we had to stay together."

Overheard at Cornell polo

Small boy: "I have a black horse. He lays eggs."
His mom: "We do have a horse. I don't know where the eggs come from."

small embarrassments

Raking leaves at a daycare. Teacher takes the small child size rake and starts raking with it.
Girl: "Aren't you embarrassed to be raking with that tiny rake?"
Teacher: "No, why?"
Girl: "Well If I was YOUR age and using that rake, I'd be embarrassed!"

~Wendy

Horizons need expanding?

On campus open house, at the study abroad table.
Guy: "Does this mean like we'd have to go somewhere or something?"

Advanced vocabulary

Overheard by former Ithacan in first grade class.
Teacher: "Today we are going to learn about the /w/ sound. Can anyone give me a word that starts with the sound /w/?"
First Grade Boy: "Weed!"
Teacher: "Very good. Can you use the word 'weed' in a sentence?"
Boy: "My dad smokes the weed."
Teacher: [pause] "Okay then. Can someone else give me a DIFFERENT word that starts with /w/?".
..Different Boy: "Wedgie?"

Is it a treat? Or a trick?

Halloween. A little boy trick or treating. The person giving out goodies at the door hands him a granola bar.
Boy (looking slightly dismayed): "This one is for you momma."

A little culture, in perspective

Parents reading Greek myths to their child.
Kid: "Wait. You mean all the Greek gods were whores or creepers?"

Emotional affair

Woman: "Where did your husband get it?"
Other woman: "Wegman's. He gets everything there. He's having an affair with Wegman's."

Do you have to ask?

Woman: "If my coworkers keep telling me about jobs somewhere else I'd be perfect for should I take that as a bad sign?"

Teen girl: "My mom was like, 'I can't believe you were talking to a drunk guy on the street!' and I was like, 'it was only oral'."

Truth in advertising?

Woman at hardware store: " I found the perfect yellow paint for the bedroom. Then I noticed it was named 'wide awake'."

Tough choices

Girl: "Soup is so confusing. Do you drink it? Or do you eat it?"

Keep an eye on this kid

Overheard by a former Ithacan.
First grade boy to first grade girl:
"I'm not showing her my underwear, I'm showing her a magic trick"

At a daycare

7 yr. old girl: "I like this kind of ice cream, it has M&M's in it, only they don't have M's on them...I think they erased them."

Not too independent

Girl to Mom before school:
“I’m staying after and getting dinner with my friends, because I like that it makes me feel independent. My therapist says all teenagers want to feel independent. So I need some money for dinner.”

Overheard at the Apple Harvest Festival

Young woman: "I'm pretty much a vegan. Except I eat fish whenever I can get my hands on it! And I eat eggs."

fair warning

Not overheard, but...sign at Ithaca Guitarworks:

"Unattended children will be given an espresso and a free puppy."

Not like the real ones in the store

Overheard at Littletree Orchards.
Man, with an empty apple picking bag: "But there's mold and they're dirty."

Too much information?

Not overheard, but....
Bumperstickers on a car in Collegetown:
Morally Flexible
and
I'm not wearing any pants

No, you tell me

Not overheard, but....

Student project:
Lab Report 2 - What have I done?

Older and wiser

Heard at daycare.
Boy: "I don't like thunder, it scares me! I'm afraid of ghosts too."
Girl: "There's no such things as ghosts. Well... there used to be ghosts, a long time ago. But there aren't anymore. They're extinct!"
Boy: "What does that mean?"
Girl: "They all died, like the dinosaurs."

Easy in, not easy out

In the halls:
Girl: "Yeah, so anyway TC3 has an acceptance rate of like 106%."
Other girl: "Yeah, and a graduation rate of 27%."
Girl: "Really? That explains why there are kids in my class taking it for the fourth time."

Overheard in Dryden

Woman: "The first time I got a full time job I swore I would never milk another cow."

Watch out!

At the health clinic:
Receptionist: "Do you have any photo ID?"
Old codger: "What? This country is going to die soon, and no one seems to be afraid of it. I went through this in '32 with Uncle Adolph. What does that do, automatically tell the FBI or something?"

At the swimming hole

Overheard at Treman State Park:
Kid: "Hey, look over there, they're comparing muscles!"
Woman: "Bivalves or biceps?"

Not overheard, but...

You had to be there. Or not.
On the bus. Guy showing the other passengers a photo of his bong, on his cellphone.

Over-read

Email message: "If guilt burned calories I'd be Twiggy."

And you know that how?

Guy on the bus: "I work with a bunch of girls and they're all on the same cycle, so they're always bitching at each other."

Barking up the wrong tree

Girl: "This dog is like the TSA. He barks at people who are obviously not terrorists."

It's all relative

At the Hangar Theatre's newly renovated women's restrooms, during intermission.
Woman, exclaiming loudly: "Oh wow, this is heaven."

Life's not fair

Overheard at local swimming hole.
Woman: "I just don't get it. Will someone please explain how it is that hot flashes don't burn off calories?"

Heard in Dryden

Woman: "This weekend he's coming over to the detail the mower. He's going to buff it and everything."

All the world's a stage

Woman: "Ithaca is like one of those plays where there are just a few characters playing all of the different roles."

Looking for excitement in a small town

Carolyn Peterson, Mayor of Ithaca leaving Collegetown Video with a few DVDs in hand.
Woman: "And what does the mayor watch on a Friday night?"
Mayor, briskly walking downtown: "Bad guy movies. They were out of the French one I wanted so I'm watching bad guy movies."

Family photo

Woman talking about being in labor: "And she started talking pictures and it wasn't even her camera. I didn't want Aunt Betty to go pick up the pictures and find a crotch shot."

Guess you had to be there

On the Commons:
Guy: "The water turns to blood."
Other guy, excitedly: "Right! The water turns to blood when the sun shines on it!"

That's why it doesn't work

In health class.
Teacher: "Now remember, abstinence is the only way to guarantee you won't get pregnant or catch HIV.
Student: "What's abstinence again?"
Teen boy: "It means no sex, which is the worst possible thing in the entire world."

Tasteful

Teenager, looking at alphabet noodles: "I wonder what font they use?"

Hooked

Young woman: "The hardest thing I've ever had to do was quit Farmville. I've been clean and sober for three weeks now."

Free ride

Parent: "She is such a carpool vampire."

Don't go there

Crazy night at the end of the semester in Collegetown. Guy noticing all of the police cruising around:"They've got people throwing up everywhere. They've got their hands full."

You know the type

Girl: "He looks like the kind of guy who would eat with a spork."

Guy: "Yeah I saw her the other day. She grew her hair out, she looks really hot. I mean she always looked good, but now she looks like a heterosexual."

Oh well

Vendor at the plant sale at Stewart Park: "We have some unidentified fuzzy mint plants that are REALLY WEIRD. We don't sell them."

Overheard at Viva

Looking at the wide range of brightly painted stools:
Tiny little girl to even tinier little girl: "Don't worry, we'll have matching chairs."

Straightening it all out

Girl: "I wonder if corn should wear braces. Some of these rows seem a little crooked."

Prom Priorities

Overheard at the mall:

“Well, she’s failing four classes, so she might not get to go. But her dress is really nice.”

Something you don't usually hear at the dentist

At Dr. Ormsby's office overlooking the lake. Woman: "I'm sitting here thinking I could live here. I could totally live here."

Girl: "Dandruff comes in all kinds of shapes."

Eating local

Overheard at Waffle Frolic, the new place on the Commons:
Customer: "What kind of fruit do you have for the waffles?"
Server: "Bananas. We plan on using all local fruit."

Not Easter

Woman: "Have you ever put eggs on to boil and heard cheeping?"

Those colorful natives

At the airport. Woman with a British accent speaking with a small girl, explaining toilet seat covers. (Imagine the conversation with the accent)
Girl: "But Mummy, why do they have them?"
Woman: "That's what they do, that's just how Americans are."

Alien food

At the grocery store. Hip looking young woman hands a bag of snack food to a hip looking young man.
Woman: "I haven't tried them, it's just that they have aliens on them."
Guy: "Oh yeah, that strikes me as an alien kind of food."

I know what you mean

In bookstore.
Young man to young woman: "People today don't even know Calvin and Hobbes and it bothers me. Like it really makes me angry."

Little girl, looking at sweatshirt: "That says GAP!"
Woman: "Yes it does, good reading."
Little girl: "What is GAP?"
Woman: "It is the name of the company that makes the shirt, the name of the store."
Little girl: "Oh."
Woman: "Like… You know Old Navy?"
Little girl: "No...."
Woman: "Hmmm, well what clothing store do you know?"
Little girl:" …….. Wal-Mart!"

Yum

Boy: "Do worms count as red meat?"

Gimme that olde time religion

Woman: "The cows had to be milked on Sundays too, so we never went to church growing up. They drug my dad to church and he didn't want that to happen to us."

Good advice

Yoga teacher: "Now some teachers say you need to fully relax your butt muscles in this pose, and others think you should tightly engage them. I say do what ever you want with your butt."

Time flies

Two mothers pushing strollers run into each other near Dewitt Mall.
Woman, looking at other woman's baby in stroller: "Wow, you've got so much hair! You're almost a teenager!"

Existential Decisions

Late night at Target.
Two young men, presumably college students, looking at toothpaste.
Guy: "Should I get Aquafresh for old time's sake?"
Other guy: "The color freaks me out."
Guy "I don't like the flakes."

Yet more Olympics!

Woman watching men's figure skating: "I don't understand how he can make all those jumps without having any butt at all."

More Olympics!

Woman: "Jasey Jay Anderson? Is that his real name?"
Other woman: "Canadians don't take fake names."

Olympics!

Girl watching curling on TV: "Why do they show it in slow-mo?"

Snow Day!

A guy is trying to get his car out from the snow where it is stuck. The car has bald tires.
A passerby, stopping to watch: "You need to get snow tires."
A neighbor out shoveling: "You need to get snow tires."
The guy continues to try and get the car out. A snow plow goes by.
The driver leans out and says: "You need to get snow tires."
-Chris

An overheard we will always wonder about ....

At Ithaca Bakery.
Woman: "At first I thought it was something stuck in my teeth, and I started pulling it out and pulling it out and then I realized it was coming from the roof of my mouth....."

Truth in advertising

Not overheard, but:
T--shirt seen on a man shopping at Greenstar (who was also wearing unmatched shoes): "No longer naked"

Small girl: "I used to be, like, so afraid of video games."

Quick change artist

Two kids at daycare conversing over lunch -

Eight year old boy: "When we were leaving, my dog puked in the driveway! It had corn in it!"
Seven year old girl: "Ewww, one time my dog puked....."
Adult: "OK! That's enough! Can we please talk about nice things during lunch?"
Eight year old boy: "Like what?"
Seven year old girl: "Like RAINBOWS AND MAGICAL PONIES!!!!!"

~Wendy

So long as you don't try and use them...

Woman:"If you can't find your car keys - its OK"
Other woman: "If you look at your car keys and don't know what they are - there might be something wrong."
-Wendy

While over at Tim Horton's in Geneva..

Elderly lady:"She just put something in his margarita..... blah blah blah... put it in the freezer... blah blah blah...she killed him!"
Other elderly lady: "She's in her nineties now!"

~Wendy

Not overheard, but show us the way...

From Ithaca Craig's List:
your'e not gonna believe this but i think i found a way to a paralelle universe also found a way to to prove the existance of life after death all tied together. just wish i could alk to some cornell scientist to discuss my findings can any one tell me who to talk to at cornell? yes i realize how it sounds but given a decent chance this could really work. and no i'm not drunk nor do i do drugs of any kind !!! and i'm not mental that should cover all the negative replies i just had an idea and you won't believe how much sense it makes

Gearing up for Valentine's Day?

On campus, two girls walking down the hall.
Girl:"If anyone kisses him or TOUCHES him or ANYTHING they're going to die a horrible death from DISEASE."

College student: “My appetite really expands when things are free.”
-Kathy

Good question

Teen: "Was someone really high when they created Groundhog Day or something?"

Way to win her heart

Not overheard, but from Ithaca Craig'slist:
Take Out food girl (sorry about the small tip) - m4w - 55 (Rt 13)
Your smile was so beautiful
You're much younger than I

Outside in the cold night air.
Girl: "Don't you feel magical when you blow out steam?"

But it tastes good!

Sunday evening at Wegman's
Couple gazing at $5.00 a bar imported chocolates.
Guy:"But this is not sustainable eating."

Woman reading headline aloud: "Obama Makes First Transgender Appointment"
Man: "What's he gonna have done?"
-Melissa