Perils of modern life

Girl on cellphone: "How did you accidentally flush your cellphone down the toilet? Haven't you almost done that before numerous times?"

Sunny day on the Commons
Woman: "I've had these shoes for years but I never got a chance to wear them because I lived in Binghamton. It was always rainy or snowy. Isn't Binghamton the most depressing place you've ever been?"
Man: "Yes, I guess it really is."

Try a surgeon

Overheard at Home Depot.
Man to salesman in window and door department: "We'd like to get an external door."

Middle school girl: "Why would anyone want to go out with him? He eats pen ink."

While getting the snow tires off (at last!)

Car Mechanic: "A woman came in, she said 'I'm from out of town, I don't live here' and I said 'that makes sense.'"

Why?

Girl: "Why did you tell him that I told you that he spilled the urine sample?"

Nothing matters when the sun is shining

A beautiful sunny day in the park

Girl: "Let's lie down on the grass in the sunshine."
Mom: "But there's deer poop and it's muddy."
Girl: "What does that matter?"

It's all relative

Woman to pre-teen girls: "Why didn't you stay at the playground?"
Girl: "Because there were lots of little little kids."
Woman: "And you are big kids?"
Other girl: "No, you're only a big kid if you wear huggies."

Turning colorful

At Wegman's

Her: "Oh these dishes are pretty!"

Him: "They are not really my style."

Her: "Yeah, I know. You were brought up "plain white" and stayed "plain white" after you moved out and I was brought up "plain white" but turned "colorful" after I moved out!"
-G. Barrow

Doing pig parts

In the hallway
Student: "So are you, like, dissecting today?"
Other student: "No, we already did that. Now we have to, like, do pig parts."

Perspective

Two women at lunch.
Younger woman: "I'm always so busy, I never have time to go to a movie or anything."
Older woman: "Oh, just wait until the kids leave home and the dog dies."

Small pleasures

Girl: "The water in the drinking fountain was delicious today."

What really matters

In a Western Civ. class
Woman: "So what time period are you up to?"
Student: "We're on World War I, I don't know if we'll make it up to now by the end of the semester, we still have five chapters to go."
Woman: "Well, this should help you understand the context of NATO and the president's visit to Europe."
Student: "And it'll help with Jeopardy!"