Don't even start

On campus.
Professor: "Did you drive to campus today?"
Student: "Just turning the ignition in my car destroys my financial stability."

In the eye of the beholder?

At Shur Save in T-Burg:
My daughter and I were looking at olive oil when a woman walked by us very close and stared right into our faces. I thought that was weird, then she got to the end of the aisle
she turned and said "Crazy b*tch, staring at me"
My daughter and I just looked at each other.
I said: "Well I was looking at her, but only because I thought she was very attractive."
My daughter said: "I was looking at her too because I thought I knew her from somewhere."

Tough Choices

Dad to daughter: "Why don't you just flip a coin?"
Daughter: "No, that doesn't work because if I don't like the answer I just flip it again."

Beastly Body Image

At the pet shop. Small girl with her parents.
Mother: "How about this gerbil? Should we get this one?"
Girl: "No, his butt sticks out too much."

At the dog park

First warm day of the year, everyone and their dog is at the dog park hanging out.
Guy dog owner to his guy pals: "The other dogs like Indy, he's man-pretty."

In line at the bank

Overheard awhile ago. People discussing hunting season.
Older man: "I fought in World War II and I saw enough killing to last me a life time."