At a Thai restaurant

A man eating a very spicy dish: "This is so hot my contacts are sweating."

Off season

Woman vendor at Farmer's Market: "When they all ask me what I do during the winter when the market is closed I tell 'em 'sleep and sex.' That shuts them up."

Who can argue with that?

Girl: "Anything wrapped in tin foil is a lot yummier."

What was the topic anyway?

In a social studies classroom, the substitute was drawing a map of Pittsburgh on the board for no reason:
Substitute: And here is the football stadium...
Class: what does this have to do with...?
Substitute (ignoring them): And here there is a big lift that leads way up high to these mountains where there are giant mushrooms and-
Boy: what if you're mitophobic?
Substitute: What's that, afraid of heights?
Boy: No, afraid of mushrooms.
Class: *laughs*
Substitute: Stay on topic.
-Olivia

At Oasis

Worker: "Want one of these breakfast burritos?"
Other worker: "They look gnarl."
Worker: "That's good, right?"
Other worker: "Only in snowboarding."
-thanks to Pat

At Northside Liquor store

Snowy Friday night, three young bundled-up women looking at bottles of brightly colored Andre champagne:
First woman: "Which one should we get, the peach or the strawberry?"
Second woman: "Oooh, the strawberry looks nice."

A clarification

At the school cafe. Student cafe worker: "Just because we're vegetarians doesn't mean we don't kill animals. We just don't eat them."

Gender confusion?

Newfield dairy farmer's wife: "...and they still have male cows with udders on kids TV shows. It drives me insane!"