Family ties

Woman on cellphone: "Going back and forth from daddy to daddy? At least we had that, she's not even going to have a daddy. She's stupid, I want to punch her in the face."

An educational experience

 A dad is reading a letter about studying abroad.
Father: "Founded by Dwight D. Eisenhower...yeah, he found it in his trash. This is one of those things that you send your kids off to and you never see them again because they get sold into slavery."

First date

Young Daughter to Rapidly Aging Father: “So, he wants to know does he really have to meet you before we go out? Because he thinks you sound scary.”